Father Commitment: Becoming the Dad our Kids need us to Be

April 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment

When my first child came along, I had no idea how becoming a Dad would turn my life upside down.  I naively saw fatherhood as a ‘new project’ to apply myself to in between various other ‘tasks’.

Ten years down the track, fatherhood no longer seems like a task to perform, but rather an unpredictable and nourishing relationship that transforms me and my family daily.

I noticed this dynamic, fluid and fulfilling journey is sabotaged when I:

a)      Become attached to a particular parenting style or father image – or

b)      Strive to mould our family into some kind of preconceived ideal.

Trying to force our ‘vision’ of the perfect family onto our partner and kids creates pressure for everyone.  We start feeling angry, overwhelmed or stressed.

One way to end the battle is to stop trying to be right, opinionated and ‘all-knowing’, and instead focus on simply connecting with our family.

As we slow down and listen to and observe our kids, they invariably show us how we need to grow as a Dad.  Usually this involves some combination of:

  1. Becoming more Present:  Are we available us much as our children need us to be?  When we are present how engaged are we with their interests? How transparent are we in our own? How do we need to grow in presence?
  2. Becoming more Playful: Are we as playful as our children need us to be?  Do we allow ourselves to be swept up in the joy of play or are we only pretending to play with our kids? How do our kids need us to be more playful?
  3. Becoming more Mindful: Are we as diligent towards our children’s wellbeing as they need us to be?   Is everyone eating, grooming, learning and relating etc. in ways that are nourishing? How do our kids need us to be more responsible?
  4. Becoming more Creative: Are we as creative as our children need us to be? Is there an abundance of music, song, craft, games, art and creative self-expression in our home? How do are kids need us to be more Creative?
  5. Becoming more Physical: Are we as physical as our children need us to be? Is there enough sport, exercise, hugs and rumbles for everyone to feel awesome in their bodies?  How do we need to be more physical with our kids?

Becoming the Dad our Kids need us To Be

Keeping track of all of the above isn’t meant to be a chore (though at times it can feel like it!).  In fact, once we let go of our fear and resistance, becoming the Dad our kids need us be transforms us into a more fulfilled, healthy and capable man.

The key is accepting that we can’t rely on one or two of the above points to get us gracefully through fatherhood.  Neither is there a ‘perfect ending’ where we’ve achieved ‘Daddy nirvana’.  It’s an ongoing evolution guided by curiosity, courage and compassion.

Taking Action

Consider the above areas of growth:

* Which area needs your attention the most?
* Answer the questions relating to this area.
* Share your answers with your partner and or kids.

Ask for their advice and support in how best to grow in this area.

Strengthen our community by sharing your insights and discoveries below.

Please Read Father Advice, before attempting this activity.

Filed Under: New Dad

Fragile Dads: Loving, Relaxing and Healing at the end of a ‘Rough Day’

April 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As dedicated fathers we must take risks and make mistakes to grow into the real men our family needs us to be.  This can be painful and challenging work.

At the end of a tough morning, afternoon or night we can easily forget to nourish ourselves and connect with our  family.  Feeling stressed we can:

  • ‘Take’ without asking: By doing our own thing, taking control or demanding attention without first checking whether this is okay.
  • Pretend we have no needs: Trying ‘to be strong’ or feeling scared of rejection or failure we sacrifice our needs for the sake of the family.

These two defensive behaviours feed one another.  When we take without asking, we unconsciously violate our family and so experience resistance and rejection.  The pain and shame of this experience leads as to ‘harden up’ and pretend nothing’s wrong.

In this state of denial we are more likely to try and meet our needs indirectly (e.g. taking time for ourselves without asking), unconsciously violating our family once more…

Breaking this cycle requires us to learn how to prioritize our family without abandoning our own needs.  To achieve this balance we must be attentive and habitually ask questions that:

  1. Honour our Family: Every time we connect with Mum and the Kids we need to pay attention and check: How are they feeling?  What do they feel like/need to do now?  Do they require any assistance?
  2. Share our Experience:  Having ensured our family is okay we must be transparent about our own experiences:  How are we feeling? What do we need? Do we require any assistance?
  3. Check for Permission:  Just because we support our family, does not give us ‘executive power’.  We need to continually check: Is it okay for us to…give or receive?/stay or leave?/help or suggest? etc.
  4. Expose our Vulnerability:  When we are stressed we can’t do any of the above very effectively, instead we need to ask and share:  What emotion am I feeling? What is my underlying fear? What is my underlying need?  What help do I require?
  5. Make Love the Key:  Become a ‘Love Barometer’ by constantly asking: Am I feeling love and acceptance?  Am I feeling warmth and affection? Am I feeling respect and consideration?  When we’re not, gently name it (e.g. I’m not feeling loving and acceptance now) then ask our family Why? and What can we do to restore it?

Unraveling the Present

By asking the above questions we can guarantee everyone will receive the love, affection, space and support they need at the end of a rough day, including ourselves.  The key is to work together and forgive one another as we make mistakes along the way.

We have to be realistic that practicing this kind of engaged and collaborative dialogue is immensely difficult.  It’s like unraveling a lumpy, awkward and mysterious gift.  We’re scared of what we might find, but there’s only one way to find out.  Try it and see.

Take Action

Review the five points above with your partner:

* Ask which area she feels needs the most attention.
* Discuss how you can both honour this area more fully.
* Share our awareness with our kids and ask for their support

Strengthen our community by sharing your insights and discoveries below.

Please Read Father Advice, before attempting this activity.

Filed Under: New Dad, Uncategorized
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